Post by Deleted on May 10, 2017 16:13:54 GMT
Ever since I could remember my morning routine started with a little red pill beside my cup of tea. The little pill that kept me from losing it on my teachers. Gradually as I got older, the doses increased, changed or sometimes even decreased as the doctors experimented but the one conclusion they always came too is that without this menagerie of medication, I could not function in everyday life. Not that I really could do it well without them though.
I had seen at least a dozen different types of specialists in my short life and they always managed to settle on one diagnosis.
Panic Disorder
It is not a fun thing to have. If I miss even one dose, get too upset or even something small triggers it I go into an attack that leaves me useless for hours.
Now I know what you all might be thinking... how could a bloke like me be a wrestler?
Well... how is anyone a wrestler really?
We fight through our pain to be the victor in a match. Willpower is still a pretty strong narcotic.
This last day has been nothing but blow after blow. I think I would rather take shots to the head in a wrestling ring than these emotional blows.
I really like Bella, opened up to her. But after all that, She picked a pretty boy with a portfolio of filled out crotch shots. I guess size does matter to her.
And the best part... the famous “I enjoyed our time, let’s be friends”
No.
How can you expect me to be friends with you after you ripped my heart out of my chest and left it on the pavement like a flailing fish out of water? How can I just overlook that in the couple weeks we have been talking, somehow in two days you have a better connection with muscles over there.
I am not going to be this over confident arsehole that woos women cheaply. It is just not how I was raised. Relationships built on sandstone sink very quickly, which is why I take time to build a foundation.
But I don't see that happening anywhere so I have opted to remain a dateless wonder. I refuse to have some cheap easy relationship. So I have decided to boycott the whole thing. No relationships. No romantic nonsense.
It is just better this way. I will try to make friends and revel in that. But how I felt today? I never want to experience that again.
So thank you Bella, sincerely for saving me from what would have ultimately ended up another set of names on an endless list of broken hearts. I will not be here when this one is added to them.
***
I stare up at the ceiling. It's all exposed ductwork and I start daydreaming about suspending trapeze wires from them and wondering what the graceful feel of controlled falling would be like. A sense of unnatural calm tingling over my body.
This was the aftermath of a panic attack.
Something or someone would push me over that narrow precipice I walked along daily. That feeling of falling was so much easier to take when I added one more red pill to my collection.
One pill
Two pill
Red pill
Blue pill
There were others but they were for different things. Some of them I had stopped taking but kept them. Just in case. Of what? I was not sure. I didn't consider myself suicidal, even if I was denied life insurance because Anxiety was still largely misunderstood and often misdiagnosed. Like very active children being told they have ADHD so they can dose them up.
If you have anxiety, you are automatically ready to end it all.
So back to me.
After taking that one little red pill, my world becomes a happier place. But it isn't sustainable. Its temporary so that my body can pull itself but up to that ledge.
I gotta say, although the distance from the ledge is a bit farther than it used to be. But it's still too close. Still too easy.
The thoughts of the events that happened today fill my mind but are light and tickle lime butterfly wings. I had always been an eloquent speaker, always found I could use words. Derive power over them except when pushed from that ledge. Then my panic takes over and the words that come out sound like the ramblings of a psychotic middle schooler.
And the one thought that never quite leaves my mind is that I wasn't good enough. Then I see how this man, passed over a woman that seems like a very nice girl for Bella. A girl that had admitted on twitter to have reinvented herself for him.
In the end, it is those that put forth minimal effort that get the rewards.
A flash of Heidi now. With her crazy blue hair and the cute little smile that she thinks she's hiding when she’s pretending to be mad. A real firecracker who honestly I think just needs to know she is important to people.
Then Jana, the confident young business woman. A girl that had been giving me advice since we both popped up on twitter. A sweet smart woman. But still so unsure. Still trying to show she belongs in the big bad wrestling world.
It's not easy. We are all trying to get our footing.
I sign as the last of the light along the Vegas skyline of my loft windows dips down below the horizon. The creatures of the dark that feasts on sex, greed and money were going to be out lurking on the strip. No matter how many lights they installed, nothing created was powerful enough to drive out the demons that had chained themselves to this place. Those things were just as much an addiction as dope was to an addict.
It was the same kind of river than ran beneath the streets of the wrestling world. From the outside looking in, you ses all the shiny newness and spotlights but once you got past that and really looked into the shadows, the face of the monster is revealed and it's a shock to see it os your own.
I know that now. But I don't have to become someone I don't want to be. That is my choice.
I roll over to my side, a picture of my mum and grandparents on the side table remind me that no matter what, I always have their support. Others don’t have that.
I feel my eyelids grow heavy as the face of someone reappears in my mind. But my thoughts as I give in are simply... “Not yet.”
I had seen at least a dozen different types of specialists in my short life and they always managed to settle on one diagnosis.
Panic Disorder
It is not a fun thing to have. If I miss even one dose, get too upset or even something small triggers it I go into an attack that leaves me useless for hours.
Now I know what you all might be thinking... how could a bloke like me be a wrestler?
Well... how is anyone a wrestler really?
We fight through our pain to be the victor in a match. Willpower is still a pretty strong narcotic.
This last day has been nothing but blow after blow. I think I would rather take shots to the head in a wrestling ring than these emotional blows.
I really like Bella, opened up to her. But after all that, She picked a pretty boy with a portfolio of filled out crotch shots. I guess size does matter to her.
And the best part... the famous “I enjoyed our time, let’s be friends”
No.
How can you expect me to be friends with you after you ripped my heart out of my chest and left it on the pavement like a flailing fish out of water? How can I just overlook that in the couple weeks we have been talking, somehow in two days you have a better connection with muscles over there.
I am not going to be this over confident arsehole that woos women cheaply. It is just not how I was raised. Relationships built on sandstone sink very quickly, which is why I take time to build a foundation.
But I don't see that happening anywhere so I have opted to remain a dateless wonder. I refuse to have some cheap easy relationship. So I have decided to boycott the whole thing. No relationships. No romantic nonsense.
It is just better this way. I will try to make friends and revel in that. But how I felt today? I never want to experience that again.
So thank you Bella, sincerely for saving me from what would have ultimately ended up another set of names on an endless list of broken hearts. I will not be here when this one is added to them.
***
I stare up at the ceiling. It's all exposed ductwork and I start daydreaming about suspending trapeze wires from them and wondering what the graceful feel of controlled falling would be like. A sense of unnatural calm tingling over my body.
This was the aftermath of a panic attack.
Something or someone would push me over that narrow precipice I walked along daily. That feeling of falling was so much easier to take when I added one more red pill to my collection.
One pill
Two pill
Red pill
Blue pill
There were others but they were for different things. Some of them I had stopped taking but kept them. Just in case. Of what? I was not sure. I didn't consider myself suicidal, even if I was denied life insurance because Anxiety was still largely misunderstood and often misdiagnosed. Like very active children being told they have ADHD so they can dose them up.
If you have anxiety, you are automatically ready to end it all.
So back to me.
After taking that one little red pill, my world becomes a happier place. But it isn't sustainable. Its temporary so that my body can pull itself but up to that ledge.
I gotta say, although the distance from the ledge is a bit farther than it used to be. But it's still too close. Still too easy.
The thoughts of the events that happened today fill my mind but are light and tickle lime butterfly wings. I had always been an eloquent speaker, always found I could use words. Derive power over them except when pushed from that ledge. Then my panic takes over and the words that come out sound like the ramblings of a psychotic middle schooler.
And the one thought that never quite leaves my mind is that I wasn't good enough. Then I see how this man, passed over a woman that seems like a very nice girl for Bella. A girl that had admitted on twitter to have reinvented herself for him.
In the end, it is those that put forth minimal effort that get the rewards.
A flash of Heidi now. With her crazy blue hair and the cute little smile that she thinks she's hiding when she’s pretending to be mad. A real firecracker who honestly I think just needs to know she is important to people.
Then Jana, the confident young business woman. A girl that had been giving me advice since we both popped up on twitter. A sweet smart woman. But still so unsure. Still trying to show she belongs in the big bad wrestling world.
It's not easy. We are all trying to get our footing.
I sign as the last of the light along the Vegas skyline of my loft windows dips down below the horizon. The creatures of the dark that feasts on sex, greed and money were going to be out lurking on the strip. No matter how many lights they installed, nothing created was powerful enough to drive out the demons that had chained themselves to this place. Those things were just as much an addiction as dope was to an addict.
It was the same kind of river than ran beneath the streets of the wrestling world. From the outside looking in, you ses all the shiny newness and spotlights but once you got past that and really looked into the shadows, the face of the monster is revealed and it's a shock to see it os your own.
I know that now. But I don't have to become someone I don't want to be. That is my choice.
I roll over to my side, a picture of my mum and grandparents on the side table remind me that no matter what, I always have their support. Others don’t have that.
I feel my eyelids grow heavy as the face of someone reappears in my mind. But my thoughts as I give in are simply... “Not yet.”